When I was younger and living with my parents, my mom always put me down and said a lot of things that hurt a lot. I thought your parents were there to protect you, not hurt you. In high school I was always in trouble. My school was almost like a jail, so I had to get tough and never let my guard down. I could not look weak. I had to watch my back and had a lot of friends in school. I said to myself, “I will not let anybody push me around any more,” and when I went home and my mom found out what happened at school she beat me. I tried to tell her what happened but she did not want to hear it so after awhile I told my mom, “you can beat me all you want because I will not let people in school push me around.” When I was twelve my mom stopped having birthday parties for me. My little brother still had his past twelve. I started to hate my little brother. I started calling him Mommy Boy and all things that I don’t care to repeat. When he wanted something he got it and when I wanted something I got his used things. He could do nothing wrong and I could do nothing right. When I got a B in school and showed my mom she said, “It’s not an A,” and I got beat for it. My mom never raised a hand to my little brother. She always said, “you are an angel,” and I really hated my little brother. When I was sixteen I got a job and went to school so I could do things. But when I got my first pay check mom made me pay rent and their light bills and her gas bill and her phone bill, and when their car needed to be fixed I had to pay for that too. When I was eighteen my little sister wanted to go out so my mom said, “you are paying for it,” and that was the straw to break the camel’s back. I said, “No, why do I have to? I am tired of paying for everything and you will not let me have my friends over and I can’t go anywhere and have fun. No, I will not pay for it.” She said to my dad, “It’s me leaving or it’s him leaving.” So I got up and said, “I’m leaving,” because I didn’t want my dad to decide. She told me to leave and never come back. I was hurt, angry and mad all at the same time. I thought, “I will show them. I don’t need them. I can make it on my own.” I bought a house, bought a new truck, bought a custom van and a tricked out t-Bird. I went back to my parents to show them and I thought they would be happy for me, but they were upset and told me to leave. I started drinking a lot, 24/7. I did not want to be sober and lost a lot of friends over it. one day I was driving and almost got in an accident and that sobered me up and I asked myself what I was doing. I went home, poured all the beer down the drain and then went to an AA meeting and dealt with the problems I was having. that’s when I met my ex-wife and she told me about her dad’s drinking. I thought about it. I finally came around and said I don’t want to be that person anymore. the first year with her was the best I ever felt in my life until my son was born. She was not the same person. She was mean and put me down for 12 years. out of the blue she said she did not want to be with me. I was crushed. the person that I thought was the one wants this. I tried everything in my power to try to stay together but at the time I didn’t know she was seeing someone else and she had given up on us. I did not know what to do. I was upset that this was going on, so I gave up on me. I felt like everybody was against me. Nobody cared if I lived or died. I stopped eating and planned out how I was going to kill myself, down to a “t.” I pushed my kids away from me. I told my wife at the time that I was going to kill myself. She said I was a chicken, and if I do, “it’s on you.” I left and when I came back home everybody was gone. that’s when I could not take it any more. that’s when I decided to kill myself. I wrote a letter so everyone knew I did this and no one else did, and that it was on me. I tried to kill myself. I called my wife at the time and said, “you got what you wanted. I did it.”
But something happened. The emergency people and the police found me and rushed me to the hospital. I said to them, “Let me go, please. I don’t want to be saved. Let me go.” I don’t remember what they said. I got to the hospital and fought them. I said, “No, let me be.” they said, “If you don’t let us do this we will knock you out.” they held me down and I told them I hated them for this. the next thing I remember I was in a room and I was mad, and I said, “When you let me go I will finish it.” After a while I would not talk to anyone. this woman came in and I told her to leave me alone and some other things I can’t say. But she stayed. She said, “I’m from Community Mental Health. My name is Kathy. I know you are hurting.” I told her, “you don’t know me. Why do you care? No one else does.” But she kept on coming back. She talked to me. After a while I started to trust her and I opened up to her and told her what was going on. I did not feel like she was judging me. She said, “We will get through this together.” that’s what I needed to hear. I asked her if I could see my kids and she said okay. If she had come once and never come back I would not be here. She helped me to find a way out of my black hole and I can’t thank her enough for being there. I really respect her because she put up with all my B.S. when I first met her at the hospital. I think she’s the best friend in the world and I like talking to her because she was there at the beginning and now.
I have to remind myself how far I have come now. I don’t want to feel that way again and now I know when I need help before it gets too far. Now I know my kids need me more than ever. I changed to be a better person and want to help others before it’s too late for them. Because if a person reaches out, that person is looking for help; and I will try no matter how hard it is to help them. Later they will be glad that there was someone there. It makes me feel whole and needed to help someone else. I will never be the person I was before I got help. the person I was will never come back. I will make sure of that!
My dream is to have a walk-in center in Grayling. that’s important to me because it will help me and others who need to feel they have somewhere safe where no one will judge them and where we can help each other out and know that you have someone there that’s been through what you are having to go through. My other dream is to be there for my kids so they will grow up to be good men. I will try with all my might to make my dreams come true no matter what comes my way. I always say, “take one day at a time and then we will go from there.” this is what I believe. take one day at a time.